righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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something like this could probably happen to anyone
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
“You’d better run, egg!”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
cat vs inanimate object
Probably my best painting.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”