Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
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He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE