Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
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Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Introverted vegans go meetless
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different