Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
my nickname in college
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard