Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Day 2 of my diet
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge