I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.