Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
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How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
😩😩😩
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.