i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
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Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf