why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
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My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
bury ourselves
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.