Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
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Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!