These are the best menu descriptions I’ve ever seen. Sheer perfection
You Might Also Like
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress