(butler whispering in my ear) sir, you have just been retweeted by an evil little man.
me to the table: excuse me gentlemen. something has arisen that requires my immediate attention
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*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops