[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics