M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program