Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Yup
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong