[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
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coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
OH. COME. ON.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.