I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
You Might Also Like
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.