I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
everyone’s a critic
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box