I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
You Might Also Like
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
every college guy’s fridge
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one