This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit