My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
absolutely not
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream