The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
You Might Also Like
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Oh no
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My Plans 2020
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Probably my best painting.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.