[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
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I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”