[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
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breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke