Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
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Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”