I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
You Might Also Like
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.