VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
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Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.