[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Its a hippotatomus
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.