The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
You Might Also Like
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Thursday
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly