If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.