my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
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WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I don’t get marriage
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes