If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.