Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
You Might Also Like
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.