“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too