Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
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So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Should I call tech support or pray or what