start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
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“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
😅😅😅
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Breaking news:
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.