Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
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Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Huge, if true.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.