[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.