*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
You Might Also Like
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
why isn’t he texting back
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*