This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.