Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.