My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
You Might Also Like
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.