Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
You Might Also Like
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Who’s ready for Friday?!
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs