[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
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Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably