Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
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My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Great Canadian literature.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back