Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
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I was very concerned with my Grandma today
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay