I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
where the womens at?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Oh yeah that’s it
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.