If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
You Might Also Like
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Hero horse inspires millions
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Cake!!
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out