You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
…u ok Nintendo?
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.