Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
CUTE CAT‼︎
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life